Sometimes life comes at you hard, like really hard, that you can’t even imagine what life was like before that. When your back is against the wall and the predicament can’t seem to end, we tend to make unrealistic oaths and pledges to ourselves to never find ourselves in such scenarios ever again. Remember the time you swore you were quitting carbs and going sugar-free once you saw your fatty in the mirror, only to find yourself downing a coke and having pizza the next day? These are the sort of serious promises we make ourselves in the heat of the moment that we never live up to, and I call them dying-man promises. I’ve compiled a list of some of the best dying-man promises that we’ve all made and I’m sure can all relate to, let’s hop right in!
“I’m never hitting the snooze button again”
This is by far one of the most famous dying-man promises and it’s usually made the moment you realise you’ve hit the snooze-button time way too many times and now that extra five minutes of sleep you wanted turned into a whole hour. Upon waking up and realising that you’re late, you enter a state of panic and spend the entire morning routine going “fuck! fuck! fuck!” and by rushing everything you’ll somehow manage to delay yourself even more and only realise that you forgot to brush your teeth on the bus to school/work and now you’re gotta minimise interaction with your colleagues to spare them of your stink-breath. After going through such a bad day you swear to yourself that you’re never going to hit the snooze button ever again and just wake up on the first alarm…only to find yourself in the very same scenario a few days later and spend another morning rushing and going through your favourite curse words list. The snooze button was just sent from hell to just fuck up your day, don’t give in to it, just wake up man!
“I’m never drinking alcohol in my life again”
This one is usually made on your knees when you’re puking after a night of reckless drinking. Vomiting is one of the most unnatural actions your body can ever go through, and after a five minute make out session with the toilet seat, you slowly turn to your best friend who’s been holding your hair the entire time and you make the famous declaration, “I feel so terrible, I swear I’m never drinking again” Ha! The funny part is that for that brief period of time you actually believe it and you picture yourself never taking another sip of alcohol, but before you know it, you’re back again getting lit with your crew and that is just a distant memory. The decree is also made when you wake up the next morning with the mother of all hangovers, in a strangers house with no idea how you got there, and an equally wasted person lying next to you and you just pray y’all didn’t rawdog it, feeling pain and discomfort in parts of your body you’re not supposed to feel …Regardless, you pick yourself up and live to get drunk another day. This is the most absurd of all dying-man promises, don’t even bother making it, you already know it’s bull.
“I’m never procrastinating on my assignments again”
Straight from the Deadline Day Chronicles, this one is made when you’ve just submitted an assignment a moment too late after the deadline, and now you’re praying the professor will accept it and grade it. It is also made when you’ve got an important presentation at work that you somehow swept under the rug, only for the boss-man to pop into your office and kindly remind you that he can’t wait for you to “kill it” in the meeting today. The cursing parade begins but in a whispered tone because it’s NSFW and you trying to get your wits together to prepare something to save your career and not embarrass your boss in front of his peers. Human beings are just serial procrastinators and we love to put off assignments and duties until the last minute. It’s a bad habit, one that we should stop, but I don’t feel like we are ever gonna stop, so Siri play “We R Who We R” by Ke$ha”
“I’m never Eating Out Again”
This one is particularly interesting, It’s made in one of three scenarios: the first one being when you go out to eat and you’re slapped with a bill that’s way higher than you anticipated and now you’re worried whether you can still make rent this month, or when you’ve been looking forward to having an amazing meal once restaurants open (Like we all were after the first lockdown was lifted) only to find the meal to be lacklustre and anticlimactic to all the hype you had. The last( probably the one you relate most to), is when you were feeling cocky and you decided to try out that new dish on the menu, and now you’re groaning in pain on the toilet seat with a running stomach and it feels like someone is somehow wringing out your guts. You swear you’ll never eat out again and will start to make your own coffee, but then Starbucks is life and before you know it, you’re seated again in your favourite restaurant.
“Okay this is the last episode before I sleep”
This one’s my favourite, it’s a school night and you’re watching your favourite tv series just before bed. The episode you were watching leaves you in suspense, and you can’t bear to wait, so you figure that one more episode wouldn’t hurt. You say this again, and again and again, until it’s 4am and you realise that you’re pretty much screwed and there’s no chance in hell you’re gonna make it for the first class in the morning. But wait, you don’t make it just yet, you make the dying -man promise when your alarm goes off the next morning, and you can’t even lift your eyes open, realising you’re probably gonna miss the second lesson as well, and you’ve got a whole lot of schoolwork to catch up on. My advice, don’t do it, it’s never just one more episode, and like the Southern people say, “Rest Bafethu”
“I’m never texting them again”
I know you probably laughed when you read this one, because you’ve most definitely done it before. It’s usually soon after the breakup, they’ve hurt you real bad and you can’t stand to see their face anymore. You swear to yourself that you are never giving that sum’bitch the time of day…But what do you know? One lonely night, No lemme rephrase that, one thirsty night, they texted you and you took the bait, now we aren’t gonna get into what happed next, but the point is you swore you’d never text them again, how’d that go for you? But it’s okay though, there’s enough shame to go around and we’ve all been there. I’ve always been against exes being friends and this is one of the many reasons why I just feel like those people from your past don’t need to have any part in your present, but to each their own, you do you my guy.
“I’m done with relationships/ I’m never falling in love again”
You know what they say, “Ba Tlao Hurda” and they gonna hurt you for sure hehe. Pretty similar to the last one, this dying-man promise is made post-breakup. When you loved the person so much and then it ends in tears, we can’t blame you for thinking you’re done with relationships. Dating is not for the faint-hearted, and you’ll probably need an extra heart because out here they’re playing hopscotch with our hearts! Be that as it may, you are far from quitting the game, the only way is by marriage or eternal celibacy, so buckle up Sisi, these relationship things are here to stay. Loving someone is definitely a risk and I’d have no objections against someone who wants to do away with it. Despite how bleak the situation seems, there’s still some good people out here and I believe that good things happen to good people and it may not be now, but one day you’ll find your happy ending. Stay strong, your grandma loves you, it’s gotta count for something right?
Well that was the dying-man list I had for y’all today and I had a blast writing this. Let me know of some of the famous dying-man promises that I left out in the comment section below. Peace!